As a woman, it’s unbelievable what we have to physically endure. I’m talking about what nature hands over to our gender. Getting a period every month for maybe 40 years of our lives is an almost surreal concept. Cramps, zits, mood swings, water retention, the cost of tampons, stained clothing, and balancing a sex-life around our “friend,” the vicious cycle…Really?
If you thought hemorrhaging for a week out of every month wasn’t gross enough, wait until you get introduced to the “mucus plug.” I’m skipping ahead, sorry. Pregnancy is miraculous and can be a human honor, but no person or book can prepare you for the experience of internally growing an alien.
The actual process of giving birth includes a level of pain unequivocal to anything else besides being stabbed with a butter knife by an elephant sitting on your pelvis while you’re upside-down in an active volcano.
Just when you thought Mother Nature’s trials’ were complete, peri-menopause introduces herself, and you suddenly wished you had the most-highly recommended exorcist’s number on your speed dial.
Again with the mood swings, the weight gain, a horrifying lack of libido, and the obnoxious flash-mob perspiration. What “they” tell you, but you can’t truly grasp until it happens, is that once you hit menopause, you grow hair—in all the wrong places.
It would be delightful if my already-thin hair from my scalp grew more, but no! Those follicles have shut down and made my head-hair even thinner—so much so that you can almost see my brain through my scalp.
Listen up, because this is the exciting part: hair starts growing out of your chin, cheeks, and even nipples. Isn’t that a beautiful visual? Of the over 50-million hair follicles covering our body, only one-fifth are on our head.
That leaves a lot of other bizarrely random places for strands to sprout. And on a TMI note, don’t expect a flourishing bush down below, if you catch my drift.
So what to do with the Hansel n’ Gretel witch chin-hair? Some doctors will prescribe a birth-control pill to prevent menopausal hair-growth. Much of the Sasquatch-look is caused by the increased Androgen levels.
Estrogen and Androgen fight it out and Androgen will win, especially if you’re obese (levels are higher.) And before going on hormone treatment (especially for unsightly fur issues), there are many options for combating the expansion or unsightliness of nature’s human pelt.
- Bleach with over-the-counter stuff
- Get a great pair of tweezers and block-out plucking time in your calendar.
- Wash at home: One homeopathic sworn-by helper is: take two teaspoons of turmeric and mix with water to make a paste. Apply to troublesome hairy areas for @ 10 minutes. After it dries, wipe off with wet cloth. Supposedly, doing this a couple of times a week—after six weeks—should remove all the nasty not-wants.
- Home Wax: Take 2 cups o’ sugar, ¼ cup water, and a ¼ cup of lemon juice. Heat the combo in a saucepan until you have a thick, dark liquid. After it cools (duh!) you’ll eventually spread this mixture on the hair(s). Take a strip of cotton or jeans, place it on top of the mixture while it’s hot, and yank! Tada—hairs removed. But just temporarily…
- Laser: After many treatments and dollars spent, this will prove to be a successful option. Just keep in mind that you’re not going to be Silky-Sadie after the first treatment.
Hey, there’s no reason for you to choose any of the above options if you’re comfy with yourself as is. Just know that other women are experiencing the same changes. And if you desire, there are ways to counter-balance the wacky-hairy happenings.